To paraphrase late-90s hitmakers LFO: Summer beards come and summer beards go, some are worthwhile and some are so-so.
The summer of 2017-18 has been rife with speculation and chatter over which previously fresh-faced New Zealand politicians or television personalities have grown a summer beard. These are people who, like many working professionals, are precluded from experimenting with their facial hair during the year by jobs which call for a certain level of grooming. When they take a couple of weeks annual leave over Christmas and New Year, this all goes out the window.
Nothing signals that you’ve successfully broken free from the grind of daily routine and are enjoying some well-deserved rest and relaxation more effectively than a summer beard. When photos of familiar faces adorned with unfamiliar hair filter through during the first weeks of January, we all absorb the calm and contentedness they radiate.
Now that the country is mostly back at work and the beards of summer are gone, it’s time to pay tribute to them the only way we know how: by arbitrarily ranking them. Before we begin, let’s be very clear: by definition, there is no such thing as a ‘bad’ summer beard, and this is not a forum for beardshaming. Having said that, some summer beards are better than others.
1. James Shaw
James Shaw with beard (Source: Three)
There’s a reason this has been the most talked-about beard of the summer. It’s a head-turner, a beard that has made everybody look at the Greens co-leader in a whole new light. It does all this while remaining understated – there’s nothing flashy going on here, but it’s right in the sweet spot of tidy but not too tidy. News that James Shaw has since had a shave has only cemented this as one of the classic summer beards.
2. Eric Young
Eric Young with beard (Source: @RealEricYoung)
While the rest of New Zealand’s celebrity summer beard growers have been enjoying surf, sand and sun, Prime News anchor Eric Young has been recovering from open-heart surgery. But this is no mere sympathy ranking – Young has cultivated an admirably authentic summer beard over the last six weeks. Respect is also due for the striking two-tone (can we call it ‘ombre’) colouring.
3. Andrew Little
Andrew Little with less-famous Labour MP, both with beards (Source: @Kieran_McAnulty)
There is more than one criteria we can use to judge a summer beard. If we were to judge solely on a mathematical equation of how much cooler than normal it makes the wearer look, the former Labour leader could well have topped this list. It’s amazing how far a little stubble and a mint Blackcaps hat can take you – Little should seriously consider making this a signature look.
4. Simon Bridges
Simon Bridges (left) with beard (Source: The official Simon Bridges Facebook page)
“I like it and may keep it,” the National transport man wrote on Twitter of his new facial hair. Who can blame him? This is an undeniably handsome beard. The only reason for the low ranking is that he’s obviously been trimming it – an act of vanity that goes against the very spirit of the summer beard.
5. Simon Dallow (DISQUALIFIED)
Simon Dallow with beard (Source: One News)
Just when it looked like the golden days of the summer beard were behind us for another year, One News went and posted a video about their big new screen… featuring Simon Dallow with an absolute pearler of a goatee! This is the summer beard to end all summer beards. Or is it? Unfortunately, we’ve had to temporarily disqualify Dallow pending investigation into whether this beard is in fact permanent. There are a couple of red flags – he is technically back at work in this video, and this is a very deliberately-styled beard (experimentation of this kind is still within the spirit of the summer beard). If it’s gone by Monday night’s bulletin, these rankings will be amended accordingly.
HONOURABLE MENTION: Jack Tame
Jack Tame with beard (Source: Jack Tame)
This textbook summer beard belonging to Breakfast host Jack Tame was regrettably overlooked in the original rankings. It probably would have come in around #3.
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